Perdana’s reflections as the year 2007 ceases in nine days’ time
Call it a case of monkey-see-monkey-do, or whatever you wish but I really think as we approach the twilight of another year in the Gregorian calendar (wish they had thousands of months in a year so that I don’t have to do year-end reflections that often!), there is something tiny in us that yearns for some soul-searching. I hereby declare that this is what I am doing now…
A little advice, though: this post might make you shed a tear I suggest that you have a packet of Kleenex ready; you will either cry or burst into incessant laughs depending on your sanity. Whatever the case, I promise you this lengthy post is worth your every second and kWh.
And yes, expect an unprecedented extent of honesty from me as I began to broadcast more of my minuscule life that is indubitably nothing vis-à-vis the much more humongous time and space-continuum at the background. At last, a true epiphany indeed…
One could say that life’s journey is akin to a roller coaster ride, with all its vicissitudes, its ups and downs. The only difference is, no one really knows where our final destination in life is, unlike when you indulge in that amusement ride you can always find in Escape Theme Park. Truth be told, as much as I grow wiser and more mature as I person, the mystery of life remains something too profound for me to fathom. It’s tantamount to an enigmatic, bottomless cavity that leaves me perplexed every time I try to comprehend its paradox. Again, that is perhaps where the beauty of life lies: no one knows the real answer for sure; those who claim that they do know are in fact, merely deluding themselves. Yes, I am talking about the answer to the question, “What is the reason of my existence?”
Let me proffer you a quote as a food for thought:
“All the world’s a stage / And all the men and women merely players. / They have their exits and their entrances, / And one man in his life plays many parts.”
--William Shakespeare (This is Wisteria)
What an insightful and reflective saying someone on this planet ever bothered to think of to illuminate the path of his fellow survivors! Have you ever wondered if your very existence is never even real in the first place? Also, how everything that happens in your life is pre-determined and pre-destined? Imagine if all that you are doing now is simply acting out according to an invisible script written for you. Without dwelling on a topic that is best left for KI discussion, allow me to reminisce what happened 360-odd days ago to the same Perdana publishing this post you are reading sans the unduly reflections on my part on whether those incidents taking place were predestinated or not.
“Hi, are you Perdana? I am your OGL. This is to inform you that you are in OG 2 and you are in a kingdom called ‘Ingstad’ for Orientation this year.”
Curt. Terse. Laconic. But simultaneously, professional. That’s exactly the way I like when people are introducing themselves. You get to the point, spare the other party any circumlocution while making yourself sound polite without giving too much, yet. I don’t mind that my OGL didn’t even mention her name. Like, come on, it’s not as if I would remember another Priscilla, Rachael or Michelle when there were so many things on my mind as an anxious fresh O-level school leaver just getting provisionally admitted to National JC. Wrong. Let me re-phrase that for you: a distressed Normal (Academic) student just getting provisionally admitted to a top Junior College. Yes, I am talking about my successful admission into NJC via PAE 2007, a school that used to be my dream school, a school that earmarked that prestige and honor. Maybe it was because the name ‘National JC’ had an inexpressible tinge of elitism; maybe it was because I was one of the scarce students from a neighborhood secondary school who made it into a top-five JC; maybe it was just me. Or for all I know, it was an amalgamation of all these factors. My point is… the year 2007 certainly had a bright start with my going to NJ, never mind that I forgot to mention that I scored six points for my prelims as well (I apologize that it sounds like I am self-aggrandizing here; be patient and you will see…). It is suffice to say that I never regretted going to NJ although it was only temporarily. The school wasn’t fantastic but it decently suited my notion of an ideal junior college. The friends I made there (my dearest 07A02ers!) are obviously individuals fantastic in their own right, some with which I still fervently keep in touch. It was my first time experiencing how it felt like being in such an ‘elite’ environment.

Then, like a storm in the daylight, the news that took everyone aback: the demise of my beloved maternal uncle Charly—who succumbed to the complication of cancers after battling with those wretched abnormal cells for more than a year. It was the very first time in my life that the hands of Death clenched so ‘intimately’. The period, of all, taught me how real death is and it somehow made me treasure life and all that I possess even more. Prior to that experience, I deceived myself by thinking that none of my family members or even me myself would depart from this world so soon. Besides, the other case of death in my family was one told as narrative by my mother, that is, the death of my grandmother months before I was born, making death of a family member a foreign issue in my household. As such, I never really experienced the agony of having lost someone you hold dearly for good. Without my uncle, I would still be studying in Indonesia because it was he who recommended my parents to send me here. Not that studying in Singapore is all-immaculate or anything, it’s just that, ah, save it for next time lah. Yeah, he was gone even before I could express my gratitude, making me forever indebted to so great an uncle I ever had.

Pardon the randomness but this reminded me of P. Diddy’s rendition of ‘Every Breath You Take’ (‘I’ll Be Missing You’):
…
Words can’t express what you mean to me…
In the future can’t wait to see, if you open up the Gate for me,
…
Every step I take, every move I make,
Every single day, every time I pray,
I’ll be missing you.
…
What a life to take, what a bond to break,
I’ll be missing you…
Some of you may prefer the version sung by The Police but in any case, the lyrics are so lucid the song is darn perspicuous. We live each day of our lives thinking about, or rather, preoccupied with, all the sublunary thoughts that concern mainly with our well being. How often do you say that you love your friends so much and they mean the world to you? Or thank them for always being there when you need them the most? Or reciprocate the unconditional love of your parents? Or treasure the pristine air that you breathe in, maybe? My utmost hope is that you do all the above, and more, before it’s a tad too late.
On the other side of the coin, while the incident taught me a priceless lesson to appreciate the lability of life, it too took its toll on me, with this manifesting itself in two B3’s for my pet subjects at the O-level: English Language and Combined Humanities. This might sound like a lame excuse coming from a pathetic loser who just cannot accept the fact that he scored a non-distinction grade for his subjects but as much as you have the privilege to think that way, let me assure you, I am not trying to elicit anyone’s sympathy. Keeping matters short, my uncle’s sickness affected all his family members and I was not spared either. Living under one roof with him, I often was the one left at home to take care of him while my aunt went to the office. The pressure was magnified a few weeks before my O-levels that I almost wanted to call it a quit. Already consumed with my last-minute revision, I still had to juggle between studies and taking care of my uncle that I was not ‘my normal self’ throughout my exam period. I did not tell many people this but the build-up of stress disturbed my concentration that I missed part (b) of English Paper One (Letter Writing component, which was worth 25 per cent of the total grade for the subject) and also, a 12-mark question for my Combined Geography Paper—inadvertently jeopardizing my A1’s. It was unmistakably a miracle when I scored a B3 for both subjects. I know for myself that never there is a tincture of regret or hatred that I had to spend so much time taking care of my uncle at such a crucial juncture. As a matter of fact, I am thankful the chance to somehow return him a huge favor hitherto still unpaid was still bestowed on me. The story continued more complexly but since this is supposed to be my reflection for the year, I don’t want to tarnish it with so much melancholy. It’s enough to say that in spite of what happened, I am sure there was still a disguised blessing, and I soon found out what it was. With my 10 points (4 A1’s and 2 B3’s), I found myself in St Andrew’s Junior College!
SAJC never, never, never crossed my mind when I filled up my JAE registration form online. Initially, I wanted to put National JC nevertheless and ACJC as my second choice. It was more like a matter of pride than anything else. I didn’t want to ‘downgrade’ myself to a lower-ranked JC, having already spent my three months in NJ. Putting that aside, the crux of the matter is how I eventually pass the decision-making prerogative to my father. I told him, no matter what JC he put for me, I would be glad to take it. So much for a coincidence but since I know you’re getting kind of bored, already reading more than 1,700 words of a post by Perdana, I shall skip the ‘divine intervention’ part and it’s sufficient for you to know that by God’s will, I secured a place in SAJC, a school I never even thought of going to.
My first day of Orientation was mostly filled with somber memories of my tepidity. I didn’t want to do this, that, or anything that basically had something to do with Orientation. But that was before, long before I met my class, 07A06 :D

Labeling this bunch of people in my class as awesome and fantastic would do injustice for them, for that in itself is a major understatement. No adjective that I know of is worthy enough to describe these ineffable classmates of mine, with their specks of ‘unglamness’, haha. Speaking of this innate ‘unglamness’, I seriously still do not think that “there are / Evils enough to darken all” their goodness. Their shortcomings of being ‘unglam’ “seem as the spots of heaven, / More fiery by night’s blackness, hereditary / Rather than purchased,” (‘Antony and Cleopatra’, I.iv.). LOL.
And then, getting a near-perfect-if-not-for-the-indolence Project Work group was like the icing on a cake. I seriously will miss those Saturdays ‘fruitfully spent’ (in the fullest sense of the word—both metaphorically and literally, especially at Alina’s, where we were served non-stop supply of all kind of fruits almost enough to satiate the palates of five always-ravenous teenagers) doing WR and rehearsing for OP. Thank you for everything and for the abundant ration of lunch as well, guys! The debates (“Yeah, I know yadayadayada, but don’t you think, yadayadayada?”), the laughter, the tears (“I was reminded of my [insert someone’s term of endearment here] whom I used to bully due to his *ahem* control of the English Language”), the ever-familiar snivel (“Hhh, life! This is life!” or “Wah lao, I got sinus lah!”) and the oh-so-traumatizing virus attack that swept out our precious MS Word files within seconds when it took us a lifetime to create them. All will definitely be fondly remembered. One disclaimer—allusions to real persons are intended for nostalgia purposes only, not for mocking ar, haha. Yeah, the whole experience was tiring but the lessons that we acquired, personally speaking, more than made up for it. But again, in hindsight, the embarrassment of having to film and direct a short video-clip for Group OP amidst the busy Toa Payoh Central, wearing a sarung and a worn-out polo tee (wit me starring as a Malay uncle who was supposed to look decrepit), effectively negated all the positive experiences stated above. Haha. So, Julian, Alina, Pei Xin and Zhun En, listen hard: do keep your fingers crossed that all of us will get an A for PW! It’s been wonderful being the Group Leader of SA025 :)

Another exciting part of my JC years would be being elected to the 30th Student Council!!! Council seemed very stressful when I first went for the strenuous Leadership Training Camp (LTC). But then, this LTC group named ‘FAITH’ came along, assuaging the physical and mental torment that would otherwise be too unbearable. Thank you for these extraordinary fellow councillors and Faith-ers who made that transition much lovelier: Xiu Wen (who eventually became my sub-comm. head, the cool Service Counter sub-comm.!), Verine and Vivian (the two V’s whose combined voice is so loud and high-pitched it is comparable to a Public Warning System (PWS), haha), Sharon (my night-walk partner!), Dano (the fellow ISFJ individual who is also in debates!), Jin Zhuang (whose lame jokes are SA-renowned, hehe), Zong Wei (my arguing partner—come fight lah; and ultra-lax Treasurer/ Logistics boss), Zhi Yang (my long-bus-ride-home partner), Jeriel (aka J, whose jokes are also lame, LOL) and last but not least, Jia Lun (whom I still owe the claimed paint money :D)…

Getting into Council is surely one of the things I am most thankful for. As if this was not good enough, I still got my Welfare sub-comm. of choice and even the position as the committee treasurer! Yeah, all those crap about my being a detail-oriented and meticulous person actually sound believable. Ignoring the disputability of my possession of those qualities, it’s really my greatest pleasure to serve Welfare with ‘Captain Kai’ under the helmet now that Su left to pursue a diploma in mass-communication. And regarding all the other equally-heavenly councillors, I found that they are also true, loyal friends and that goes without saying.

Now, the year is coming to an end already yet there are still so many things gone unnoticed by me, the foremost being the people in my life whose contributions are never acknowledged by me yet they resolutely touch my life no matter what. These are the people who deserve more than what I could give them at this point in time. I am sorry for not being able to cherish your kindness yet. Rest assured I am learning to.
Time does fly; it really feels much like yesterday that I celebrated my 18th birthday—accompanied with my first going to a nightclub, watching an M18 show, learning how to drive, getting a MasterCard, among other things. One more year before enlistment into National Service; one more year and A-levels will soon end. Didn’t I just sit my O-levels?! Gee, and I have been living in this Republic without my parents and sister for more than four years already. Phew, I never thought I would make it this far. Next year will be the first year I am living not with any relative I know in Singapore. That’s right, I am finally renting my own room to live in, all by myself without a maid, and all the life’s simple luxuries. It’s going to be tough but I have to learn to be independent sooner or later so why don’t I make it now, right? After all, notwithstanding any adversities that might come my way, I know that He is forever with me, as he was, and will always be. I am so blessed that He always provides me with everything that I need, and therefore, I don’t have to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow “will worry about itself” because each day “already has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34).
One final question begs to be asked: Do I have any regrets for the year 2007? Well, I shall answer it for formality sake. Frankly, I do. It was not one particular incident but rather, a few things collectively; one coming to my mind as I wrote this was how I could have tried harder for my Promotional Examinations. However, let the past bury itself—anachronism is sometimes too painful. Without those mistakes that I made in the past, I would not be who I am today. For that, I garner no interest in contemplating my regrets unduly.
After all, you live just once. Forget the unhappiness and see only the finer side of things, because you will always find one. Although the dawn of the incoming year sees me growing in apprehension (what will become of me as I grow older?), it also gives me a solace in the knowledge that the new year shall also bring with it, many good things to come.
And now, as you yourself resume this life’s journey on your own, all that I could say is, Godspeed!
May you always be blessed and have a joyful merry Christmas with your loved ones… All the best for 2008!
A Maverick-by-Choice,
Perd.
P.S.: I think Guy Sebastian’s Angels Brought Me Here can immaculately sum up my experience for this year:
It's been a long and winding journey
But I'm finally here tonight
Picking up the pieces
Walking back into the light
To the sunset of your glory
Where my heart and future lies
There's nothing like that feeling
When I look into your eyes
My dreams came true
When I found you
I found you, my miracle
If you could see what I see
That you're the answer to my prayers
And if you can feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here
Standing here before you
Feels like I've been born again
Every breath is your love
Every heartbeat speaks your name
My dreams came true
Right here in front of you
My miracle
If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here
Brought me here to be with you
I'd be forever grateful (oh forever grateful)
My dreams came true
When I found you
My miracle
If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here
If you could see what I see
You're the answer to my prayers
If you could feel
The tenderness I feel
You would know
It would be clear
That angels brought me here