Swan Song

The epiphany of Perdana with his idiosyncrasies.
(2007-2010)

As I reflect on my life journey these past three years reading most of my entries in this blog, it is pleasant to know that I have indeed learned a lot from the decisions I've made along the way. When opportunity knocked, I'm glad that in retrospect, I didn't lock the door but instead, embraced it with an open mind.

But when the truth hits home, it hits hard.

This is my 200th entry at http://just-perdana-and-you.blogspot.com/ but after so many posts, I have - for the better or the worse of it - decided to announce the demise of this blog. After all, the signs have been clear all along; my rate of publishing was akin to an unrelenting locomotive but five months into the year of 2010, the rate dwindled exponentially and this year, I have only published three measly posts (inclusive of this one). To a large extent, I have to admit the malady induced by my (jejune) life as it is now played a big role in this dearth of posts. Furthermore, I feel that the demise of the blog is just an impending one, since my vision and philosophy in life has changed insofar as I feel like a different person entirely and that this blog is like a reminder of the persona that I used to project to the outside world, the person I used to be. Now, I have decided to move on, giving this blog its coup de grâce, and I hope without sounding too memento mori-ish...

Reading my inaugural entry here affirmed my decision. There and then, I was an apprehensive student fresh out of secondary school and into junior college, not knowing what to expect and how life in my pre-university years would unfold for me (with some really, really silly worries like, "Will people hate me if I tell the whole world how atrocious they are?", "Will I score straight-A’s and distinctions for my A-levels?" or "Will I ever get that it-pays-so-handsomely-I-can-retire-by-the-age-of-25 kind of job?"). But hey, fast forward three years later and here, now, you have the 21-year-old me, arguably a young adult whose perspective in life has matured, someone who is ready to take on whatever life has in store for him.

So, be it my apprehension prior to my O-level results, paranoia as if the world was going to end when I got posted to SAJC instead of NJC, my eventual realization that I was blessed to be in SA and finally graduating therefrom with countless fond memories or even my random, quirky reflection on random topics such as friendship or love, it is safe to say that it is all passé now. True, it was fun documenting my feelings and experience all in one platform like this, but as much as I'd love to, I can't relive it now because the past, will always remain, well, the past, and this blog is done serving its purpose, to accompany me at this part of my life.

I am not ruling out the possibility of me creating a new blog maybe once I ORD or enter the university (one that continues in the spirit of The epiphany of Perdana with his idiosyncrasies., filling up the lacuna created by this unfortunate departure), but at least for now, we have to say goodbye. I would like to end this with one song which I feel encapsulates and celebrates the zeitgeist of this blog, Westlife's 'Unbreakable' because I always hope that this bond we've forged thus far will be just like that, unceasing despite the passage of time.



Three years ago, I wrote that I wouldn't want to worry unduly about life because I just want to be "washed away and to follow the flow", living by the maxim que sera, sera.

Well, I cannot say it any better.

Whether you loved me or hated me, whether you thought I was genius or I was crap, I hope that The epiphany of Perdana with his idiosyncrasies has inspired you, made you laugh, cry, think (if not sneer at all my idiosyncrasies).

Cheers to whatever the future holds, it's indeed been a good run. And don't worry so much about tomorrow lest you can't live your life to the fullest because like what I said, que sera, sera.

Godspeed, and thank you for being a really great audience! (:




For the very last time,



The epiphany of Perdana with his idiosyncrasies.

The Frenetic, Cacophonous Cadence of This Corporal's Life

Three months since my last blog entry and it feels like I have been here forever but for just a brief moment, time is passing so slowly and I'm already running out of it, just like what they say, "Where got time?!"

I don't know when exactly it happened but somewhere within the span of the last three months - along the way in my NS journey - I realized that I have become a changed person. Not so much physically (oh, how I wish that were the case, like, maybe give me a six-pack, pretty please? Wait long-long la) but rather, spiritually. To a large extent, my experience in the 23rd Maintenance Section Commander Course (MSCC) just last month attributed to this change:



There and then, it occurred to me that it has been almost one year since I got enlisted into the army. Basic Military Training (BMT) was so 2009, so was Basic Technician Training (BTT) in OETI. During MSCC, especially during the outfield, there were times when I reflected upon my current life vis-à-vis the larger scheme of things, and when MSCC finally ended, a part of me wanted to just tear and let it all out.

Of course I did, in the end, but that's besides the point. Something even further from the point is that if only someone saw me then and sang, 'I'll Stand By You'. LOL.



Well, I'm not afraid to admit that I did tear at that point in time. Some people will scoff at such unmanly, let alone soldierly act, but soldiers are human too, I would argue, and that, was simply a raw moment of humanity. I teared not because the training was unbearable, the expectations overwhelming, or wholly because I would miss my coursemates after we end our course. I teared because as much as NS hasn't been bad, it would become a part of my life from now on, and perhaps, I got a tad too jaded and worn down by everything it has been to me. But then again, at that very moment too it dawned on me that merely letting my twenty-four months in the army pass by me just like that wouldn't do me any good. It would not do anyone any good, for that matter. I resolved that I am not going to have the next twelve months slide by. I am going to live my life in the army, to carpe diem, and I cried because I told myself I will not let anything, or anyone, to break me apart no matter what, not any form of extra duties or any imbecile military experts (MEs), any circumstances dictating that I have to do something against my principles.

Pretty much what-doesn't-kill-you-only-makes-you-stronger the Nietzschean way, eh?

I also cried because I suddenly became nostalgic of my previous life (the relatively carefree JC and Council days - gosh, those were Halcyon days), my old friends and the people around me, and the utilitarian part of me got temporarily subdued by the sentimental side. I cried, and that symbolized my way of letting go, of no longer being in denial. No, don't get me wrong. It doesn't mean that now, I will stop being friends with my friends and that I will give up everything for army (I'm not talking about 'Absorption into Regular Service', okay? :P). It just means that I have completely come to terms with my comme-ci-comme-ça life as it is now and in fact, I have begun to embrace it. I'm doing this for myself and also because I know that this is what God wants me to do. Book-outs are no longer the time for me to reclaim the civilian 'me'; book-outs are now well-earned time for me, a soldier, to catch up with my family, friends, and things that truly matter insofar that it has become my philosophy to 'fuse' the NSF 'me' and the civilian 'me' instead of treating them as two mutually-exclusive entities. Makes me sound like I was suffering from bipolar disorder to have two separate identities, anyway. Haha.

Once you actually get the right mindset, certain things in the army don't seem that stupid, after all. I mean, you get to do certain things that you won't be able to do elsewhere (like shooting an M203 or traversing thick vegetation equipped with just a map and antiquated compass :P). Once you are able to do that, everything actually becomes an experience that indubitably will enrich your lives in ways you've never imagined before.

Phew, now, thank God for the fact that I'm still alive and kicking after a hectic month in the army (with IMT, ATP, outfield, navigation exercise, field deployment, guard duties and whatnot).

But wait, didn't I just say I am beginning to appreciate such things in the army by turning them into experience?

Ah, freak, I always indulge in self-conflict, don't I?

Until next time, I suppose! ;)




Your not-so-obedient-but-at-least-eventually-coming-to-terms-with-his-conscription soldier,



CPL Perdana Putra.

The Year 2009 and Perd's Guide for the Misguided

And 2009, I must say, ended with a bang and soothing dose of nostalgia as I spent my New Year's Eve at Ryan's with the Councillors at our party, which was themed, 'Colors from the '90s'.



The dress code was colors of the rainbow because although people typically use sepia to depict a picture taken in a distant past, we decided that the '90s (collectively) was a colorful decade because it was then we were born, raised, tasted some of our firsts (first love, first kiss, first breakup, you name it); now that it is the dawn of another decade, we decided to celebrate the good ol' time with some old school songs redolent of it like Boyzone's 'No Matter What' or Westlife's 'Seasons in the Sun'. Pretty much like a retro theme, but more than that, because we infused vivid colors into the party through the decorations and our dress code.

After all, who can forget the '90s? Things were much simpler back then. We were so paranoid thinking that the millennium bug would incapacitate the world's computers (remember the Y2K?). It was the time when Backstreet Boys were so cool and every other boy you know in your primary school would have their albums in their Walkman, when Britney was pretty much still a decent schoolgirl (vis-à-vis the you-know-what Britney post-divorce and whatnot now), and when Neo made us ask ourselves the evergreen question, "The red or blue pill?". But hey, look, we survived all those! So, now that we realized our kiasuism and suakuness had gotten the better of us then, isn't it time to party to that nostalgic frame of time and relive all the bittersweet memories all over again? With another decade ringing in real soon, we sang an ode to this jaded decade that bookmarks our very own coming-of-age ;)

But that party was five days ago.

Today, when I sat at my office while waiting for my Sergeant to delegate the job for the day, it finally dawned on me that I have not done any reflections for the year 2010. Anyway, what's new? For a start, it is going to be one full year in the army, and secondly, my turning 21 this year - truth be told - is not exactly something that I look forward to. Then, for the very first time after A-levels, I am actually having some serious thoughts about applying to NIE instead because giving English tuition every now and then kind of reignited my latent (if not already nascent) passion for teaching. I mean, I am now thinking of giving up my place at NUS FASS to most probably teach English Language and English Literature.

But wait, I can barely write coherently (case in point, this post itself), let alone teaching others how to use the language effectively. Bleah. I am seriously parodying myself, just that it isn't funny in any way.

I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate finding just that
Love is not always easy to make.

Then Yael Naim's 'New Soul' randomly filled my mind.


Somehow, as much as I am lost, the beginning of a new year never fails to comfort me with a certain spark of renewed hope, some kind of a chance for redemption. Like, I can just leave all the crap I did in the yesteryear for it to bury itself and start afresh. Yes, I am fully aware that I have been squandering that privilege for as long as I could remember, and there is nothing that can assure me this year, it's going to be different, is there? But that's a story for another day.

Slowly, I begin to better understand the mechanism of life - or whatever you please to label it. Each day, as I wake up in the morning and make my way to camp, joining the throng of the other hoi polloi - some fresh-faced but most, blasé - I often pilfer for myself some time to pause and ponder:

"Where is all this heading to?"

But alas, I find no reassuring answer from within. Anyone care to enlighten me, or is everyone as lost and disoriented as I am? Well, search me. If only I knew what am I doing on this borrowed time, I would not even continue whatever I am doing, now, would I?

That said, I feel that my goal for 2010 is to calibrate my 'life compass' so that I am better informed of where my life is heading. Even if it is on a one-way signless, exitless highway to perdition, it beats the hell out of knowing nothing at all about my destination.

And who knows, probably in the process of finding The Answer, I might be fortunate enough to find a miracle to be able to still make it in time to change my lane and head down somewhere else?

Year 2010, you take the wheel.

Happy new year to all of you! (:



Your misguided blogger,



Perd.

You're Not Sorry

I realize that I usually blog on weekends because that would be the only time I am less occupied with things and thus, be able to reflect here and there, as much as being in army has (ironically) emasculated me, albeit in terms of my mental faculty (not so much of my physical).

But I digress.

Today, I talked to a friend who asked if he could win his ex back since they still hang out pretty often. He had to ask me that, after he sent her a break-up message with Taylor Swift's 'You're Not Sorry' as the addendum.



All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down

And it's taking me this long
Baby but I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again
But not this time around

You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can say that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, no, no

Looking so innocent
I might believe you if I didn't know
Could've loved you all my life
If you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

And you got your share of secrets
And I'm tired of being last to know
And now you're asking me to listen
Cause it's worked each time before

But you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh

You had me falling for you honey
And it never would've gone away, no
You used to shine so bright
But I watched all of it fade

So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for

And you can tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
You're not sorry, no, no, oh
No, oh, no, oh, no oh
Whoa, no, no

You may think that us regular dudes are far removed from experiencing such an exaggerated, made-for-Channel-8-drama-series situation where you have to write something so schmaltzy, but the underlying wisdom - of putting a necessary stop to a cul-de-sac relationship and giving it the coup de grâce it definitely warrants - is part of common humanity (fine, if you insist, the common brotherhood), whether you are a Taylor Swift in Tinseltown or a Tay something-something in Toa Payoh New Town.

I mean, like, seriously, I don't think you can ever get your ex back regardless of what you guys still do after the breakup (and I'm not even talking about your behavior, which negates the sacrosanctness of The Breakup; little wonder why you two even broke up if you still want to see each other - in the fullest sense of the phrase). In this disguised friendship, I told my friend that he's being taken for a ride, because she benefits from a constant companion, yet she has the free licence to search for her next 'Mr Right'. Talk about having your cake and eating it, too, huh? Dude, we're guys, we're not freewares so, stop your addiction to her, because deep down, you know she is not The One - she is, in fact, as the breakup has proven, The Wrong One.

Women, contrary to popular belief, do send the right signals, especially about their lack of genuine interest, it's just men who refuse to get it. This is because somehow, somewhere, someone told them that persistence pays, and courting a woman is just like that. Well, let me tell you, it does not have to be like that. If your ex wants to be elusive, let her be elusive for all we care, and no prize is given if you guess correctly who is eventually left on the shelf, since she is already showing an I-want-to-be-a-spinster attitude so precociously. But there is a good news for us: the sooner we accept reality, the faster we can divert our energy to someone who cares. Wasting time with the wrong person is well, just time wasted. And really, a merry-go-round, as exhilarating as it could be, always represents stagnation because you are technically moving just round and round to nowhere.

Here are some telltale signs that a woman (your ex's included) is simply no longer into you and is merely taking you as her pet:
1) She doesn't remember what you say. She does it like Miley Cyrus, "If you text it, I'll delete it", but the difference is that while you mean it, she doesn't believe it. You tell her what you will be doing on Sunday night and when she asks if you can be her companion (a euphemism for being a babysitter for her bratty five-year-old niece) then, she draws a blank. Either she really has poor memory, or perhaps her phone 'accidentally' erases all messages from you. Truth is, it is perhaps the mélange of the two, although I am more inclined to believe she does have poor memory, but only for things (and persons) that don't really matter to her. Hurt? Don't. Suck it up (like how army has taught you) and let it go.

2) She is monosyllabic when you try to make small talks with her. Save for the very, very few occasions where she initiates the conversation (and ends up actually asking you a favor), when your loquacious ex suddenly turns taciturn, and she is not having oral ulcers, the only ulcer she has is you. Don't even bother trying to tweet or MSN her. And stop looking pathetic by Superpoking her on Facebook when all she reciprocates with is a 'throw a filing cabinet at', followed by 'drop f-bomb on' because the last time I checked, these are deemed 'cool' only if you are an angsty, 'emo' juvenile. And no, they are remotely anything romantic, unless you suffer from sadomasochism (in which case you probably should get yourself checked in since you have a problem more major than not being able to move on).

3) She pulls out at the 11th hour. Suppose you actually get to ask her out first, and this time, she does not need you to help her with cleaning the garage or fixing her computer. Then, frantically (at least she appears or sounds to be, eh?) she texts you an hour before you two meet and throws you an excuse - her cat's sick, her hamster's missing, her fish's not eating, or her 75-year-old grandma, one you have never heard of while you two were still together, has grounded her (as if she'd obediently listen to granny, when she could blatantly ignore the same order from her 40-something, Hitler-like father). Of course, I am not absolutely ruling out the possibility that any of the above could happen, but when it comes to the 400th time, I say you should stop giving her the benefit of doubt - she just can't say 'no' to you (although you end up being stood up anyway) because hey, you're her only pet who will not be sick, missing, or stop eating (assuming she cares if you don't, for a teeny weeny bit).

4) She confesses, "I don't like you that way anymore." Now, if she could be more blatant than this, she would, perhaps by banging your head against the wall or calling the police for harassment. If you are a gentleman (which I know you are), she has made it overt so, the only thing to do, is to respect her decision and do yourself a favor by nobly leave her. She may not utter it, but she will be thankful that you are graceful about the whole thing. But for the very last time, no matter how tempting it is for you, don't even tell her the cliche, "We can still be friends" or worse, "Okay, cool, but I can still call you, right?". Do that, and I'll be the one banging your head against the wall.

Being in such a situation, I feel, is only damaging to his own prospects, I told my friend. Doug Horton once said, "If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.” So, bearing that in mind, let your ex to fend for herself because she is more than capable to do that, and see if your absence makes her realize that she should have appreciated you for who you are and what you've done for her. After all, only absence can make the heart grow fonder, right? If you can't even make that 'sacrifice', then probably, you've never really loved her.

In the meantime, remove that "老公 <3 老婆" ("'Husband' Loves 'Wife'") NeoPrint of you and her that you took years back from your wallet, and start exploring this world for well, greener pastures, for the lack of a better term. Don't shortchange yourself by being stuck in this rut. It's like, settling for McDonald's when you know a Happy Meal will no longer make the grown-up you 'happy' and what you really want now is a Carl's Jr. If you need some tips, however, Orchard Road is insanely crowded no thanks to the Christmas performances stretching from Orchard Ion all the way to Plaza Singapura. So, what are you waiting for? Granted, the xenophobic in you are more probably going to cuss at the lack of decorum of the foreigners from you-know-where as they take a stroll here but hey, if you're so fussy, you might just miss out on a good deal.

After all, who knows if your next 'greener pastures' would come from abroad, especially with the scarcity of 'opportunities' at home?

Haha.

Just burn me to death for that tongue-in-cheek statement :P



Your so-not-sorry blogger,



Perd.

No Matter What Happens, What Matters is Nothing Will Change

Hello (:

I decided to blog about this to get this tinge of worry off my chest. I woke up after having a nightmare, where I slept and never woke up, without being able to tell my parents, my family and my close friends what I feel about them.

Then this particular someone came by, and he told me about his friend passing away when things seemed to be looking very bright for him.

And there, then, I woke up, feeling so empty out of a sudden. Incidentally, when I turned on my iPod, and pressed the 'Next' button, it shuffled to play Ronan Keating's 'If Tomorrow Never Comes'. Creepy much? :/



Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she's my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face this world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

If you are a friend of mine who happened to read this, I need to let you know that even if we haven't been talking properly recently and stuff, you still matter as much to me. I'm sorry if I have done something that disappoints you but I'd love if you give me a chance to talk about it, for everything we used to be.

And if there is one day when I can no longer be by your side, tell yourself that you are never on this journey all alone.
If there is one day when I can no longer be seen, tell yourself that you can always look hard and deep enough into your heart, where you will find me.
If there is one day when I can no longer laugh with you, tell yourself that you must not let life bring you down and that you must laugh really hard for you and for me.
If there is one day when I can no longer tell you I care about you, tell yourself that I have never ever stopped caring about you.
If there is one day I can no longer wipe your tears away, tell yourself to be strong and pick yourself up, for you and for me.
If there is one day I can no longer do what I have promised you, tell yourself that I have tried my very best to fulfill what I have set out to do, and I would fulfill it given another chance to.
If there is one day that time finally comes when I have to leave - as I will - tell yourself that I am thankful for every single thing that you have shared with me and that I can never have too much of you in my life. Ever.

For now, I guess I better try going back to sleep (:



Your somnambulistic blogger,



Perd.

Count Your Blessing, Really...

A prelude to this post, 'Two Is Better Than One' by Boys Like Girls (feat. Taylor Swift):



I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey
You know this could be something
'Cause everything you do and words you say
You know that it all takes my breath away
And now I'm left with nothing

'Cause maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

I remember every look upon your face,
The way you roll your eyes, the way you taste
You make it hard for breathing
'Cause when I close my eyes and drift away
I think of you and everything's okay
And finally now, we're leaving

And maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Well maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking two, is better than one

Yeah, yeah

I remember what you wore on the first day
You came into my life
And I thought hey

Maybe it's true, that I can't live without you
Maybe two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And you've already got me coming undone
And I'm thinking

Oooh I can't live without you
'Cause baby two is better than one
There's so much time, to figure out the rest of my life
And I've figured out with all that's said and done
Two, is better than one

Two is better than one.

And today, a friend of mine just said she was worried that her boyfriend would do 'funny things' during his NS overseas training in Taiwan and having heard such laments for a number of times, I just went, OMG WTF. Like, really. I am sorry if I sound very uncaring or worse, sexist, but I can cross my heart I am not trying to defend my own gender. I really think she should have more faith in him because I know how much he cares about her and contrary to the popular belief that men are promiscuous, I still have faith in other men (myself included), that in fact, there are exceptions to the 'rule', and not all men are like that. Sure, it is nice to hear girls saying, "But isn't that what you men do? Having more partners makes you all studs and not sluts," and the list goes on. But hey, if that's what you choose to believe about us, then you might as well take a vow of celibacy, no?

For once, listen to me, not every guy thinks he has the universal licence to be a jerk, even if at times we may appear to you like we do :P

Anyway, that is not the focal point of my post today. Her undue lamenting (if not paranoia) actually made me think if we have any rights to worry about such things, when there are people who are facing problems of relatively greater magnitude. Yes, we all have different kinds of problems, I hear you say but again, in the larger scheme of things, you cannot deny that starving to death, for instance, is more 'real' than losing your boyfriend, can you?

Deep inside, come on, you know what is the answer to that. It doesn't take much to realize how much you have (and to stop counting what you don't), but alas, it seems even harder to tell yourself to give up a little of what you have so that others can have a little bit more. Granted, it may be a one-off help you are rendering, but to that end, I would say you make a difference to whom your kind assistance is given. Maybe it is the Christmas spirit knocking at my door a tad early this year.

In times like these, I abhor myself for being damn selfish and uncaring. I loathe myself for not admitting the fact that if only I cared more, I could have done something; if only I cared enough, I would not just be typing this post and going back to sleep after that. And the worst part is, perhaps I really do not care that much to give up a fraction of what I have, and that is one thing I try very hard to hide from myself :/

Screw me.

I always run away from it, and it sucks knowing I just do. I tell myself I cannot make so much of a difference, for there are people richer than me, more capable than me, and hundreds other excuses I conveniently cook up for myself. So, I merely publish this post, turn my laptop off, shut the lights, and my temporarily-quiescent ingratitude recrudesces.

Finally, I tell myself, "Well, life is just unfair that way so, there's nothing I can do about it." And it sure is, because I was born lucky.

FML, really.



Your ungrateful blogger,



Perd.

and i want to believe in love again,

and i want to believe In love again,
(not the complicated thing adults LOVE to think they have)
i just want to, and i know i'm going to, with YOU.


Haha. Gosh, what a pathetic short poem there. But yeah, how I miss loving, in its simplest form, without all the hassle that makes it complicated, when it is not supposed to be, just like how when we fell in love for the very first time when we were young. Well, anyway, to make up for the nausea induced in you after reading that, here's Taylor Swift's 'Fifteen' for you (:



You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors
It's the morning of your very first day
And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while
Try and stay out of everybody's way

It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here
For the next four years in this town
Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say
"You know, I haven't seen you around before"

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out
Well, count to ten, take it in
This is life before you know who you're gonna be
Fifteen

You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail
And soon enough you're best friends
Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool
We'll be outta here as soon as we can

And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car
And you're feeling like flying
And you're momma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one
And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends
When the night ends

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
When you're fifteen and your first kiss
Makes your head spin 'round
But in your life you'll do things greater than
Dating the boy on the football team
But I didn't know it at fifteen

When all you wanted was to be wanted
Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now

Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday
But I realized some bigger dreams of mine
And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy
Who changed his mind and we both cried

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal most anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen

Your very first day
Take a deep breath girl
Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors


I think the lesson to be shared makes a lot of sense, just that maybe some of us experience it way later after we're 15. But nonetheless, whatever your age is when you have it, there is one thing in common about teenage love, an indubitably universal human experience: it is colossal, but it doesn't define what life is about because granted, as much as love is important, it isn't the sole thing we live for, and in time, we will realize just that (:

So, the next time love brings you down, tell yourself you gotta cheer up because there's gonna be more to life. After all, we're still so young and that is the privilege of being young - we can still afford to make all the mistakes. What matters is not how much heartache must we put up with, how many teardrops must we shed. What matters is you learn from them and in the process, you learn to love better, ultimately, like the way you're supposed to be (:

I just finished re-reading Shel Silverstein's 'The Giving Tree', one of my childhood favorites, and it reminded me of the importance of such great love. The pseudo-internal tension when the tree grows old and the boy, now an old man, returns to it, could reflect the nature of our love in general. However, the tree's actions to continue loving the boy form an impression of a character we admire and even seek to emulate. I would say Silverstein strikes a delicate balance between realism and idealism. The traits of the tree aren't so exaggerated and as much as they could be too perfect to be true (vis-a-vis our more bitter reality), we can still relate to them and think that it is (still) possible to be like the tree. Definitely a delight reading, so much that I didn't not want it to end while it lasted.

Granted, it is again, a happy ending and yes, admittedly, I have this tendency to be against this sort of things because in practice, this world isn't that flawless (and many people aren't contented so, where do you find such self-sacrificing love in this place?). But despite that, this book provides more than just an avenue for escapism; it is subdued with enough honesty and 'realness' that it doesn't end up being just another fairy tale that fails to links itself back to its readers, unsuccessfully driving the message home.

After all, happy endings are nice. But realistic happy endings, ah, wouldn't they be even better? :P




Your childishly- (but not immaturely so) in-love blogger,


Perd
(yeah, right. HAHA).

In This Life

Yes, I'm talking about the one Ronan Keating sang during Stephen Gately's funeral service.



For all I've been blessed with in this life
There was an emptiness in me
I was imprisoned by the power of gold
With one honest touch you set me free

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you

For every mountain I have climbed
And ever raging river crossed
You were the treasure that I longed to find
Without you love I would be lost

Let the world stop turning
Let the sun stop burning
Let them tell me love's not worth going through
If it all falls apart
I will know deep in my heart
The only dream that mattered had come true
In this life, I was loved by you
In this life, I was loved by you

And I wonder, what a waste that is when someone mindlessly pursues all the gold in life while the real 'gold' he could have found in his family and friends remains untapped.



Your otherworldly blogger,



Perd.

Disillusionment.

Yeah, I think that's what I am going through now: disappointment upon finding out that one's expectations are not met.

From '(500) Days of Summer':
McKenzie: So do you have a boyfriend?
Summer: No.
McKenzie: Why not?
Summer: Because I don’t want one.
McKenzie: Come on; I don’t believe that.
Summer: You don’t believe that a woman could enjoy being free and independent?
McKenzie: Are you a lesbian?
Summer: No I’m not a lesbian. I just, don’t feel comfortable being anyone’s girlfriend. I don’t actually feel comfortable being anyone’s anything.
McKenzie: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Summer: Really?
McKenzie: Nope.
Summer: Ok, let me break it down for you–
McKenzie: Break it down!
Summer: Ok. I, like being on my own. I think relationships are messy and people’s feelings get hurt. Who needs it? We’re young, we live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world; might as well have fun while we can and, save the serious stuff for later.
McKenzie: You’re a dude. She’s a dude!
Tom: Ok but wait–wait. What happens, if you fall in love?
Summer: You don’t believe that, do you?
Tom: It’s love, it’s not Santa Claus.

Yeah, but now, I am talking about friendship. Fine, so you decide that you want to change. Then sorry, I guess I just can't believe in you anymore, and trust me, this time, it's real, not like "Santa Claus".

I'm sorry for posting such a melancholic post after my hiatus but for those few who actually care, I am fine, thank you. I just need to rant, so to this place did I choose to go. Haha.

Take care and see you when I recover some of my faith in friendship (:



Your used-to-be friend,



Perd.

Letting Go

Okay, I can't type a long entry because iTouch isn't too user-friendly for a lot of typing and I am already at the Tuas Checkpoint but I just thought that perhaps I should publish some comments about the Disney-Pixar show I watched with Ryan, Shaun and Zhuang last night - 'Up'.



I would say that certain scenes of the movie are cliched but nevertheless, it is arguably one of the most touching movies I watched recently. You can find the synopsis of the movie at IMDb or something but basically, the part which I think I would like to highlight about the movie would be the moral of the story: if you truly love someone, allow her to go with good memories and forget her, so that you, too, can soon find your own fulfilment and happiness. One tear-jerking quote I remember from the movie is one Ellie's last message to Carl, which she secretly wrote in her 'Adventure Book' with all the photos bookmarking the stepping stones of the wonderful life they built together before she died of old age, "Thanks for the adventure. Now go have one of your own."

The message is clear - letting go of someone does not mean you stop caring about her. In fact, it shows how much you truly love her, for you are able to start loving her in an entirely new way you have never loved. Granted, it is easier said than done, because if you love someone so much, it is obvious you would want that person to be with you for eternity. However, it is unfortunate that none of us are immortal and whether you like it or not, our life would cease at a certain point. That said, when you move on after you have lost someone you love dearly, it is just a way to tell that person how you will carry on living because that would definitely be what she wants for us, whom she loves so much. We let go not to forget the past we ought to cherish, but to make space for what is going to come our way so that we ourselves can extrapolate our experience thereby putting the past in perspective.

At the end of the movie, Carl's house, albeit through happenstance, did ultimately land exactly where he and Ellie envisioned it in Paradise Falls. That symbolizes the finality of their life journey, for which Ellie is grateful but simultaneously, it also a sign that it is time for Carl to move on with his life and eventually, to "have one (adventure) of [his] own."

That is what I mean by an eternal love (:

Speaking of that, just a song to end my incoherent post: 'Evergreen' by Will Young.


Eyes
Like a sunrise
like a rainfall
Down my soul
And I wonder
I wonder why you look at me like that
What you're thinking
What's behind
Don't tell me
But it feels like love

Chorus
I'm gonna take this moment
And make it last forever
I'm gonna give my heart away
And pray we'll stay together
Cause you're the one good reason
You're the only girl that I need
Cause you're more beautiful than I have ever seen
I'm gonna take this moment
And make it evergreen

Touch
Like an angel
Like velvet to my skin
And I wonder
Wonder why you wanna stay the night
What you're dreaming
What's behind
Don't tell me
But it feels like love

Chorus

(Oh yeah don't tell me
But it feels like love)

I'm gonna take this moment
And make it last forever
I'm gonna give my heart away
And pray we'll stay together
Cause you're the one good reason
You're the only girl that I need
Cause you're more beautiful than I have ever seen
I'm gonna take this night
And make it evergreen.




The Blogger You'd Not Want to Let Go,



Perd.